Original Paragraph:
As they approached, I could see how different they were from the Cullens. Their walk was catlike, a gait that seemed constantly on the edge of shifting into a crouch. They dressed in the ordinary gear of backpackers: jeans and casual button-down shirts in heavy, weatherproof fabrics. The clothes were frayed, though, with wear, and they were barefoot. Both men had cropped hair, but the woman's brilliant orange hair was filled with leaves and debris from the woods.
Now I am going to change one of these sentences to include and adjectival clause and I will comment on the writing.
Their walk, which was a catlike gait, seemed constantly on the edge of shifting into a crouch.
I think that this paragraph would be classified into the descriptive category. I like it because you really get a good picture of the other vampires. To me, the woman seems kind of scary with all the stuff in her hair. This part in the book is pretty intense, because the Cullens are afraid that they are dangerous, and that they might kill Bella, the human.
Appositive Phrase
Prepositional Phrase
Adjectival clause
Adverbial Clause
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Little Britches
Original Paragraph:
I wanted to show her that I could fall off on purpose without getting hurt, and that I was brave enough to do it with Fanny galloping. I thought maybe I could do the somersault trick so I'd come right up on my feet. It didn't work any good at all. There must have been a big old jack rabbit that I didn't see, sitting right at the edge of the sandy patch. I had Fanny going like sixty and had loosened up my knees, all ready to take my dive, when she set her feet and stopped dead still. I went off over her head a mile a minute. If I'd gone a couple of feet farther, I could have grabbed the old rabbit as he raced away.
Now I will rewrite it with this week's vocabulary and some of my own wording:
I wanted to show her that I could fall off on purpose and remain unscathed, and that I was brave enough to do it with Fanny galloping. I thought maybe I could do the somersault trick so that I would land upright on my feet. My efforts were futile. There must have been a big, old jack rabbit that I hadn't seen sitting right at the edge of the sandy patch. I had Fanny going pretty fast and had loosened up my knees ready to make my dive, when inexplicably, she set her feet and stopped abruptly. I went flying over her head like a shooting star. If I had only gone a couple feet further, I could have reached out and grabbed that old rabbit before he raced away.
I wanted to show her that I could fall off on purpose without getting hurt, and that I was brave enough to do it with Fanny galloping. I thought maybe I could do the somersault trick so I'd come right up on my feet. It didn't work any good at all. There must have been a big old jack rabbit that I didn't see, sitting right at the edge of the sandy patch. I had Fanny going like sixty and had loosened up my knees, all ready to take my dive, when she set her feet and stopped dead still. I went off over her head a mile a minute. If I'd gone a couple of feet farther, I could have grabbed the old rabbit as he raced away.
Now I will rewrite it with this week's vocabulary and some of my own wording:
I wanted to show her that I could fall off on purpose and remain unscathed, and that I was brave enough to do it with Fanny galloping. I thought maybe I could do the somersault trick so that I would land upright on my feet. My efforts were futile. There must have been a big, old jack rabbit that I hadn't seen sitting right at the edge of the sandy patch. I had Fanny going pretty fast and had loosened up my knees ready to make my dive, when inexplicably, she set her feet and stopped abruptly. I went flying over her head like a shooting star. If I had only gone a couple feet further, I could have reached out and grabbed that old rabbit before he raced away.
Little Book of Manners
Original Paragraph:
Being a polite person means treating everybody with everyday good manners, even unpopular people or people who act strange or weird. I don't have to be everyone's best friend. But I should try to treat everyone I meet with kindness and respect. That means not making fun of people or laughing at them.
Now I am going to imitate this paragraph:
Being a helpful person means going out of your way to help others, even people you're not fond of or people you don't know. I don't have to help so much that I neglect my own duties, but a happy medium is good. I should be on the lookout for ways I can help others. That means everyday keeping my eyes and ears open and observant.
Being a polite person means treating everybody with everyday good manners, even unpopular people or people who act strange or weird. I don't have to be everyone's best friend. But I should try to treat everyone I meet with kindness and respect. That means not making fun of people or laughing at them.
Now I am going to imitate this paragraph:
Being a helpful person means going out of your way to help others, even people you're not fond of or people you don't know. I don't have to help so much that I neglect my own duties, but a happy medium is good. I should be on the lookout for ways I can help others. That means everyday keeping my eyes and ears open and observant.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The Technology Age
From: "The TV Age Begins" , E.D. Hirsch
Scientists had been experimenting with TV since the 1920s. But it wasn't until the late 1940s that television technology really got off the ground. In the early 1950s, national broadcasting began, and suddenly everyone wanted to own a TV. By the mid-1950s, two thirds of American homes had a set. Now in the evenings families gathered around the telvision as they used to gather around the radio. Soon Americans were spending almost as much time watching TV every day as they were spending at school or work!
My imitation (updated to today!)
Technology experts have been experimenting with computers and audio/video equipment for several years. In the last four or five years, this technology has really taken off. Every kid wants to own his or her own laptop computer, iPod, and cellphone. Now in the evenings, more often than not, family members are watching movies on their computers or iPods, texting their friends on their cellphones, and chatting with others on mySpace. iPods are small hand-held devices that allow the user to listen to their favorite music, watch movies, play games, create podcasts, keep track of their photos, and even listen to the radio. MySpace is a web-based community where people can talk to their friends, post photos, and share their lives with others. People are using their iPods, cellphones and laptops everywhere they go. So these new technological wonders are being used almost all the time except when the owners are asleep. Sometimes they are even using them then, if they fell asleep with their iPod in their ears!
Scientists had been experimenting with TV since the 1920s. But it wasn't until the late 1940s that television technology really got off the ground. In the early 1950s, national broadcasting began, and suddenly everyone wanted to own a TV. By the mid-1950s, two thirds of American homes had a set. Now in the evenings families gathered around the telvision as they used to gather around the radio. Soon Americans were spending almost as much time watching TV every day as they were spending at school or work!
My imitation (updated to today!)
Technology experts have been experimenting with computers and audio/video equipment for several years. In the last four or five years, this technology has really taken off. Every kid wants to own his or her own laptop computer, iPod, and cellphone. Now in the evenings, more often than not, family members are watching movies on their computers or iPods, texting their friends on their cellphones, and chatting with others on mySpace. iPods are small hand-held devices that allow the user to listen to their favorite music, watch movies, play games, create podcasts, keep track of their photos, and even listen to the radio. MySpace is a web-based community where people can talk to their friends, post photos, and share their lives with others. People are using their iPods, cellphones and laptops everywhere they go. So these new technological wonders are being used almost all the time except when the owners are asleep. Sometimes they are even using them then, if they fell asleep with their iPod in their ears!
Excerpt from Captain Blood, Sabatini
Original Paragraph:
The great red ship had drawn considerably nearer shore by now. Slowly, majestically, she was entering the bay. Already one or two wherries were putting off from the wharf to board her. From where he stood, Mr. Blood could see the glinting of the brass cannons mounted on the prow above the curving beak-head, and he could make out the figure of a seaman in the forechains on her larboard side, leaning out to heave the lead.
My Revision:
The great red ship had drawn considerably nearer the rough, rocky shore by now. Slowly, majestically, her sides gleaming with wetness, she entered the formidable bay. Already one or two small rowboats were putting off from the wharf to board the ship. While he stood near the rail, Mr. Blood could see the glinting of the heavy brass cannons, which were mounted on the prow above the curving beak-head. He could also make out the dark figure of a seaman in the forechains on her larboard side, leaning out to heave the lead.
Prepositional phrase
Participial phrase
Absolute Phrase
Adverbial Clause
Adjectival Clause
Original Paragraph:
The great red ship had drawn considerably nearer shore by now. Slowly, majestically, she was entering the bay. Already one or two wherries were putting off from the wharf to board her. From where he stood, Mr. Blood could see the glinting of the brass cannons mounted on the prow above the curving beak-head, and he could make out the figure of a seaman in the forechains on her larboard side, leaning out to heave the lead.
My Revision:
The great red ship had drawn considerably nearer the rough, rocky shore by now. Slowly, majestically, her sides gleaming with wetness, she entered the formidable bay. Already one or two small rowboats were putting off from the wharf to board the ship. While he stood near the rail, Mr. Blood could see the glinting of the heavy brass cannons, which were mounted on the prow above the curving beak-head. He could also make out the dark figure of a seaman in the forechains on her larboard side, leaning out to heave the lead.
Prepositional phrase
Participial phrase
Absolute Phrase
Adverbial Clause
Adjectival Clause
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