Descriptive Room/Swimming

Original Paragraph:

If there is one room that I have ever been in that sticks out most in my mind, it is the nursery at our church. When you first walk in, an almost blinding bright pink wall meets your eyes. On the floor there is a gray and pink variegated plush carpet. The ceiling is snow white. On the left is a Xerox copier on an antique dark-wooden table. There is an air duct with pink paneling over it, between the copier and the tan loveseat, on which two regal stuffed dalmations peer out into the room. Directly ahead there is a small picnic table and an open red and gray toy box. Toys are everywhere. Casey Jordan and Sara Childress are both hard at play there. You can hear their laughter and pure, unadulterated joy. - Tim Capps

Now I am going to write my own descriptive paragraph:

My lungs are closing up. I rapidly lose oxygen. I have to come up for a breath. I thrash violently to get to the surface of this green-blue lake. I see rays of sunlight shine through the murky water as I rise to the surface. I finally break water. I throw my head back and heave for breath. Water runs off my hair and face. I am like a fish. I love the water. I love the thrill it gives me when I go under because I can only be there for a few seconds. But, even though they are only a few seconds, I still cherish every moment that I can be under this amazing mass of God's creation with all the fish and creatures. When I am in the water I am happy. I leave the water and descend to the bank and lay on my very warm, dry towel in the hot sun. I fall peacefully asleep until I awake to the blazing sun toasting my skin. I hop up and run to the water. The minute the cold water touches my burning skin I feel refereshed. Water. I could not live without it.