Original Paragraph:
A boy went out to the barn one night to find the horses. He entered at the great door, and as he was going across the floor, something soft and white seemed to meet him. It drew back and came toward him again. He was alarmed and ran toward the door. He looked again and saw the white object moving to and fro.
Now I am going to re-write this with richer detail:
Shane went out to the red barn one cold night to find the pinto horses. He entered at the great door, and as he was plodding across the hay-covered concrete floor, something soft and opaque seemed to meet him. It drew back and came toward him again. Shane was alarmed and sped toward the door. He looked again and saw the white object floating to and fro.
1 comment:
I like what you've added. As I read it, I wondered about the last sentence; would there be a good way to show how he felt as he looked again by telling what he did or how he moved? Good work.
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