Original Paragraph:
I ran my fingers across the page, feeling the dents where he had pressed the pen to the paper so hard that it had nearly broken through. I could picture him writing this-scrawling the angry letters in his rough handwriting, slashing through line after line when the words came out wrong, maybe even snapping the pen in his too-big hand; that would explain the ink splatters. I could imagine the frustration pulling his black eyebrows together and crumpling his forehead. If I'd been there, I might have laughed. Don't give yourself a brain hemorrhage, Jacob, I would have told him. Just spit it out.
-Stephenie Meyer
Now I am going to re-write some of the sentences in this passage:
Sentence 3: Jacob with the frustration pulling his black eyebrows together and crumpling his forehead, was very easy to imagine.
Sentence 2: A rough, very big man, Jacob snapped the pen between his fingers while writing.
Red: Appositive Phrase
Green: Participal Phrase
Blue: Absolute Phrase
Orange: Prepositional Phrase
1 comment:
You've done well with identifying the required elements. So, as you read the original sentences and your revisions of them, which ones do you like better? What makes the stronger sentence stronger? See you soon.
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