Descriptive Rooms/Basketball

Original Paragraph:

Room Descriptions

As I walked into the room, the warmth radiated from all four walls, entrapping me in a web of love. The huge bed that had been freshly made still felt warm from the person who had slept there. The pillows stitched "Home Sweet Home" laid just off center at the foot of the bed. The light streaming through the window seemed to reach out and touch the bare spot in the carpet. As I walked further, I saw the bookshelves lining the left wall, stacked with old favorites that brought so much joy. On the other wall, the memories were painted in the pictures that covered the old cracked wall. When I left the room, it was as if I had tasted a piece of heaven. - Danielle Hefner

Now I am going to write my own descriptive paragraph:
All I can hear is the rattle of my own breath. All I can feel is this intense heat raging through my body. All I can smell is the buckets of sweat pouring off my face. I am true. I am fearless. I can make this shot. I am the most valuable player. It all comes down to these last few seconds of the game. All I can see are the heat waves rising off the asphalt. I dodge heaving body after heaving body. All the while still hearing the ball bounce to the sound of my heartbeat. It is a rhythm, it is an addiction, it is street basketball. I throw all of my exhausted body's last strength into a four foot jump. I am off the ground. I am flying. Three inches from the basket. Two...one....VICTORY! I become deaf with the sound of cheering and shouts. I still hang on to the slippery rim, not wanting to let go of this amazing sensation. I finally let go and fall into the welcoming arms of my team. I won. We won.