A Ship in a Storm

Original Paragraph:

Did you ever go far out upon the great ocean? How beautiful it is to be out at sea when the sea is smooth and still!
However, let a storm approach, and the scene is changed. The heavy black clouds appear in the distance and throw a deep, death-like shade over the world of waters.

Now I am going to re-tell this story with richer detail:

Did you ever go far out upon the amazing ocean? How breathtaking it is to be out at sea when the sea is as smooth and still as glass!
However, let a chilling storm swiftly approach, and the picturesque scene is quickly warped. The dense ebony-black clouds appear in the far distance and throw a deep, death-like pall over this vast world of waters.